It amazes me that the National Institutes of Health and government agencies spend millions every year on research to determine this:  Kids who spend more time in front of television, computer and video screens decrease their physical activity levels therefore increasing their body weights.  Well DUH!  Pretty obvious, don’t ya think?  Why couldn’t they just ask me? 

I’m pretty sure television and movies (and my love of them) played a major role in ”my increased body weight”.  Let’s face it.  It contributed to my obesity.  It helped make me FAT.  There, I said it. 

Man, I loved me some TV.  And I still do.  The day we stopped having to turn the knob to change channels probably made my top 10 list.  Actually, that’s not true.  But it sure was nice.  I could lay on the couch, eat potato chips, chew my Little League Gum and not move all day.  Those were the good ‘ol days. I’m still not sure how my brother ended up thin.  I have literally watched him eat 6 whole cheese sandwiches back-to-back with 2 or 3 pieces of cheese on each one.  High metabolism, maybe?  Perhaps my biological parents were obese.  They say genetics play a big role in future body weight.  Okay, I know…I’m not adopted.  Let a girl dream!

Needless to say, I had alot of favorite TV shows growing up.  I can probably recite quotes from about every show and remember the most insignificant details.  What a waste of time, right?  No.  If ever selected for Jeopardy and the categories were ACTORS AND SINGERS, SONG LYRICS, TV SHOWS FROM THE 70s and 80s, POP CULTURE REFERENCES, FAST FOOD, or FAMOUS CARTOON CHARACTERS, I would kick butt!  Alex Trebek would be amazed by my greatness.  Just sayin’.

So, here’s a short list of some of my faves.  I have included descriptions for all of you who were active kids whos parents didn’t own a TV because they were afraid it would rot your brains.  (LOSERS) I highly recommend you rent the boxed sets for these.

 LAND OF THE LOST.  Marshall, Will and Holly on a routine expedition…My all time favorite TV show.  EVER.  I will admit-To the novice TV watcher, this show could be a tad bit confusing.  Basically you had a family crossover into a different dimension.  This dimension was a prehistoric land with big, scary dinosaurs.  The family made friends with a ‘local’.  He was a little monkey kid/boy? named Cha-Ka.  He did a lot of grunting and pointing.  I don’t think he knew English.  The strangest part was even though they were in prehistoric times, the technology of the Sleestak people was quite amazing.  Sleestaks were human-like/reptile creatures who harassed Marshall, Will and Holly. They had these pods or portholes that housed colored crystals.  I’m not sure of the purpose of the crystals but the humans would sneak into the portholes and start rearranging the crystals.  Pretty high tech, don’t ya think?  The creators of the show were probably on drugs.  Whatever.  I love it!

Kids Incorporated.  K.I.D.S.  My cousin, Kelly (the opera singer) and I loved to watch this show!  Basically, the show revolved around some really hip teenagers that could sing and dance.  I think they tried to play instruments too.  It looked fake.  I’m sure the show was suppose to teach valuable moral lessons. I just liked the singing and dancing.  Oh, and Fergie was on there (before she was Fergie).  And so was Jennifer Love Hewitt.

HAPPY DAYS.  “Aaaaayyyy!”  The Fonz.  Happy Days came on shortly after we got off the school bus.  I guess Potsie was my favorite.  Richie (Ron Howard) reminded me so much of Opie.  Okay, so I knew he was Opie.  I live in Mayberry for God’s sake! I lost interest in Happy Days when Fonzie jumped the shark.  And the phrase “jumping the shark” was born.  Basically that means the moment a TV show starts to really suck and it has no future. 

THE BRADY BUNCH.  I really only liked this show because I got to see the dynamics of another family with multiple siblings.  Somehow everything worked out in the end.  The parents were so calm and understanding.  It was clear they were actors.  Real parents don’t act that way.    The “House of Cards” episode was a real nail-biter.  I was on my seat the whole time.  Dang that Tiger!  By-the-way, who names a dog Tiger?  Sadly, I lost interest in this show when the family went to Hawaii, found the tiki, a taurantula climbed into beach bag…Ughhh…I can’t talk about it.  Jumped the shark.

ALF.  Alien Life Form.  He was a furry creature from another planet.  Alf took up shack with a nice suburban family and was a huge trouble maker.  He loved to eat cats and had some of the best disguises.  Not really.

The Muppet Show.  Miss Piggy.  Kermit the Frog.  Fozie (wacka wacka wacka).  Gonzo.  All great puppets.  Because I was fat and Miss Piggy was someone that may be a good role model for me, my aunt Tammy and her future husband Randy bought me a lovely Miss Piggy poster to hang over my bed.  My sister got a Barry Gibb poster.  Hmm…Hey, did you know Miss Piggy knew karate?  I only wished I had learned. sigh

Dukes of Hazzard.  My sister always called dibs on Bo Duke (the blonde) so I was stuck with the less cute one, Luke.  While Luke was more level-headed, Bo was cooler because he mostly drove the General Lee.  However, it was Luke that slid across the hood.  I once tried to crawl through the window of the car without opening the door.  It did not turn out so well.  I thought I cracked a rib but never told anyone.  The embarassment would have been worse.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK.  The 70s one, not the newer movies.  They confused me.  Nothing like the original.  David Banner was a loner.  I always felt so sorry for him.  Plus, my mom said all hitchhikers were trash who would murder you if you picked one up.  I never did.  Chill out!  But I knew David Banner was a good guy.  Well, except when he was under stress.  Then he turned into a big green man/monster with super strength. Maybe I over analyzed this, but where do you think he got those extra clothes?  Must have been expensive.

Gee.  There were so many.  Here’s a few honorable mentions.

WONDER TWINS.  (Wonder Twins Powers, Activate!), Wonder Woman (i have a story about my underoos later), A-TEAM, Joanie loves Chachi (my brother hated this show-more about that later), Knight Rider, Magnum PI, Miami Vice, Growing Pains…so many more!

Oh, wait!  One more.  WHAT’S HAPPENING.  Raj was the cool kid.  My sister got to be him.  I had to be Re-Run, the fat kid.  Shocked?  Me neither.  The Doobie Brothers once made a cameo on the show.  We thought it would be cool the call ourselves The Doobie Sisters.  We later found out DOOBIE was slang for marijuana.  Nice. The names stuck.  People must wonder why 2 grown women call each other Doobie.  Who cares.

Speaking of Re-Runs…I gotta go.  The boob tube is calling my name!

Or, at least he should.  My brother was born just shy of my 2nd birthday.  Apparently he had some health issues at birth.  From that moment on he had the sympathy vote.  Oh, and he was the only boy.  ( think I mentioned that before).  By memory I can’t recall when I started torturing picking on my brother.  However, there seems to be some photo documentation.  See below.

Legend has it that he is crying and screaming because I reached over and pinched his hand.  It appears I could be trying to make my getaway when the photographer snapped the picture.  He was 2 and I was 4.  Just so you know…I think he could have been crying because of that hideous outfit.  Geez.

Then there was that time I almost killed him.  Ya see, we had a guy over installing a brand new dishwasher.  I hope my mom didn’t pay him much because when he left he laid down a handful of “extra parts” on the kitchen table.  While my mom was on the phone, calling everyone in town to brag about her new appliance, I figured I would entertain myself by forcing my brother to sniff pepper off the table.  Shake.  Shake.  Shake.  Grab back of brother’s head.  Force down toward table surface.  Demand him to sniff.  Evil grin.  Repeat.  Evil grin.  So, it wasn’t long before I realized he had SUCKED A WASHER UP HIS NOSE!  (Remember the extra dishwasher parts?)  He raised his head and you could barely see the doughnut-shaped washer.  That little turd starting crying-BIG TIME!  My mom was still on the phone not paying attention to us at all.  I’m trying to get by brother to shut up.  Snot dripping everywhere.  Then he gets the snubs.  Anyone know what that is?  For all I know it could be a made-up word.  Basically he started sniffing really hard.  OMG.  You could see the washer move further up his nose, almost to the corner of his eye.  Uh, oh.  I’m holding my hand over his mouth, trying to get him to shut up. Maybe trying to suffocate him?  I think I had already received a spanking earlier in the day.  The second one would be 10 times harder.  Trust me!  He let out a bloodcurdling scream.  Oh, gosh.  I could here our mom coming down the hall.  “What the hell are you doing to him?  Didn’t I tell you to leave him alone.  I’m going to beat your…What the…”  Yep.  She saw it.  Ummm…

She tenderly grabbed his arm, grabbed me by my hair and threw us in the car.  Of course, I still had to ride in the back!  He’s screaming (big baby), she’s screaming (loud mouth) and I’m just shrugging my shoulders.  So mom’s asking me what happened, he’s still screaming, and I said “well, I’m not for sure, but I think he was sniffing pepper off the table and accidentally sucked up some of the leftover dishwasher parts.”  She yelled said “you wait ’til I get you home, girly.  You’re going to get it!”  Gosh. She had no proof it was me.  Besides, he’s screaming and crying so loud he couldn’t tell her.  I get blamed for everything!  Although in this case, I really did it.

Enter ER.  Tons of people.  Mom jumps in front of the line.  Did I mention she’s really bossy.  She demanded that he be seen immediately.  The nurse is giving her the necessary paperwork and so mom tells me to “watch your brother.”  Uh, this was my fault.  She already told me to never go near him again.  Now I’m suppose to watch him?  Geez-make up your mind, woman.

I tried to relax him by explaining how I thought they would remove the washer.  I calmly told him they would probably stick a wire coat hanger up his nose, dig around and fish it out.  Maybe not the best thing to say because he hit the floor SCREAMING.  Here come the snubs again.  Before my mom could turn around, he must have sucked snot so hard, he got a whiff of some residual ground pepper.  He sneezed and that washer flew across the room.  Amazingly he stopped crying, probably glad the doctor would not be sticking a coat hanger up his nose.  We left without seeing the doctor.  I STILL had to sit in the backseat.  Ugghh.  And yes, I got a spanking.

Then there was that one time we were making wishes by blowing fallen eyelashes into the wind.  Did anyone else do that?  He didn’t have any loose ones so I got the manicure scissors and trimmed them off.  All of them.  Well, just the right eye.  He made tons of wishes that day.  I bet one of them was for his eyelashes to grow back.  And yes, I got a spanking.

Oh, there was also the time I bought him a can of dogfood. I got candy, he got Alpo.  And yes, I got a spanking.

I was not the only one in the family to torture him.  Cut me a little slack.  Our cousin Kelly came over for sleepovers every other weekend.  The two of us were trouble-T-R-O-U-B-L-E!  He hated when she came over.  She was almost as bad as me but he only had to deal with her about 4 days a month.  Kelly loved to sing.  For some reason she thought she was an opera singer.  Regardless of the song- country, pop, R&B, rap…she sang it in opera.  No kidding.  She sang so loud.  Purposely, she would get close to my brother and sing in his ear.  At the same time, I would laugh, dance circles around him and occasionally jab him in the side.  It was hysterical.  Really.  Sometimes he would hide from us.  All he wanted to do was transform his Optimus Prime or play with his Godzilla toy.  We would hunt him down, tease him, and sing funny songs.  He hated that too.

John was such a cry-baby.  I’m not sure why, but he hated the Charmkins commercial.  Charmkins were silly little plastic animal charms (scented, I think) that came with a piece of plastic jewelry.  The commercials were annoying, but Kelly was WORSE.  She would sing the Charmkins theme song (in opera, of course).  Charmkins, Charmkins, they love hangin’ around… Oh, my!  He cried so hard.  We laughed.  No spanking that time.  Poor guy.

I can’t be certain, but I think he once tried to take an overdose of pills.  Overdose on Flinstones vitamins. My mom parked the car in our granny’s driveway.  We had stopped by to pick up Kelly for the weekend. It must have been too much for him to bare (or is it bear?). He chewed up the whole bottle.  My mom was frantic.  No visit to the ER, though.  Just a few calls to Poison Control.  I think I got a spanking for that too.  What?  That was not my fault!  Maybe the spanking was for laughing.  I’m not sure.

My goodness.  I could go on for hours.  He lived after the overdose so I had another 10 or 15 years to torment him.  And I did.

I’m not sure if my brother reads my blog but I know my sister does.  I’m sure she will pick up the phone, call him and tell him “Shannon’s talking about you…”.  So John, if you are reading this-I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for torturing, terrorizing and tormenting you.  I hope you were not so traumatized that you needed years of therapy.  I’m also thankful you did not kill me in my sleep.  I bet you thought of it a few times.  Don’t lie. Admit it.

I will not, however, apologize for Kelly.  She is probably reading this blog too.  So Kelly, it’s up to you. It’s time to apologize. Hey, maybe you could call and sing apologize in opera.

Just for the record, my brother and I (sister, too) get along now.  He may still hate me, but if so, he’s a good actor.

So there ya go.  This is probably why my brother must hate me.

I’m a product of the 70s.  1974 to be exact.  The #1 song on the day I was born was ‘Billy Don’t Be a Hero’ by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.  I’m pretty sure that song was about war.  What a bummer.  Not exactly the anthem you want announcing your arrival, but nothing I can do about it now (or then either).

The 70s rocked!  So did the 80s. I still remember the cool clothes, music, and toys. I’m guessing my family was poor (that’s what my mom said) but I didn’t know it at the time.  Us, poor?  Hey, I had cool stuff. Really cool stuff.  Those were the days of layaway, I guess.  My mom probably put our Christmas gifts on layaway in March. Now folks just put it on a credit card.  GUILTY.

My toys were the greatest.  I wished I would have saved them.  I remember laying in front of the television with my sister and brother looking through “The Wish Book” , planning what to put on our Christmas lists.  By the way, that was one of the few times we got along.  That catalog must have been mailed out in July because I swear I remember looking at it for months. If I would have saved my toys they would probably be worth a fortune and I could retire early if I sold ‘em.  Right.  Who am I kidding?  I was a tomboy.  Mostly I would cut their hair off, color on them or drop them off the porch to see if they would bounce.  I bet my sister’s toys would still look new.  Just sayin’.

Gosh, where do I start? I guess my absolute favorite toy was:

‘Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow’

Yes, that’s right.  Milky.  As corny as it was, he came with a trough and little white ‘milk’ pills.  You could pump his tail, he would drink water and then…you milked him.  No, I’m not kidding.  I thought this was the coolest thing ever!  Eventually Milky’s udders dry-rotted.  What a sad day.

Cabbage Patch Kids

I had several, but my very first was Gladys Raylean.  Gladys has a pretty pink dress and curly, light-brown hair made of yarn.  Her birth certificate indicated her date of birth was October 1st.  I still have her, unless my mom gave her away to my niece.  Later came Braden Felix who had a head gear and braces to match mine.  (as if it wasn’t bad enough, I was the fat kid WITH a head gear).

My record player

I got this bad boy for Christmas one year.  My sister got one too, just like it.  Santa must have not wanted us to fight because he brought us matching record player and 2 records-both the same.  Sad Eyes and Funky Town.  My sister and I shared a room. Santa must have thought it would not be an issue with 2 kids playing 2 record players with different records at the same time.  Boy, Santa should have discussed that with our mom.  She sure was ill.  Hmm…

Mr. Professor Calculator

He was awesome, although he really didn’t help improve my math skills.  At 35 years old, I still use my fingers to count.  My kid has tons of electronics that do amazing things…I had a calculator.  WOW.

Playdoh Barbershop

I’m not exactly sure what my obsession was with playdoh hair.  Of course, I could only play with it on the back porch since my mom didn’t want me to ruin her harvest gold shag carpet.  Anyway, it was cool.

My Jam Box

This thing must have weighed 15 pounds.  It ran on batteries, D, I think.  Maybe 6 of them.  It had a cassette player which was an upgrade from the record and 8-track player.  I remember it was “hip” to carry it on your shoulder.  Not sure that was the best design considering the weight of the thing.

A VCR

Okay, so you think this is not a big deal.  Well in 1986, this was a BIG DEAL.  VCRs were fairly new since most people still had BETAs.  When I saw that Zenith VCR under the Christmas tree, I swear I heard angels.  Christmas morning my uncle Jim drove over and hooked it up.  My first recording was a re-run of Pee Wee Herman on the Joan Rivers Show. Yes, I remember that.  In fact, I still have the VCR tape.

My TRAPPER KEEPER!

While not a toy, there is one thing I loved so much I carried it EVERYDAY.  Kids today have no idea what this is, but I’m sure I’m not the only kid to have a Trapper Keeper.  I loved it when we went school supply shopping but nothing could replace my Trapper Keeper.

What’s not to love about the 70s and 80s.  If only I had a time machine…

First, let’s start with ‘What is Middle-Child Syndrome?’

MCS is an emotional scarring condition.  A disposition that generally arises with the middle child of three children in a household. Middle children often lack the attention that the oldest (the most important child) and the youngest (the parent’s favorite child) receive.  Middle child syndrome is often characterized by: lack of friends,  inability to maintain relationships, extreme creativity (writing, music, art, etc.), an easy going personality, trouble choosing a career path, trouble maintaining a career, quick loss of interest in things, negative outlook on life, half-assing, and indecisiveness. Pretty darned close.

I had the misfortune pleasure of being sandwiched between an older sister who was pretty, popular and near perfect AND a younger brother who possibly had a near genius IQ, was a “mama’s boy”, and favored not only because he was the youngest, but also that he was the only boy.

I probably should go ahead and state that I love both siblings.   BUT, I still suffer from this syndrome, as I am constantly reminded, and I constantly remind them and my mother.  Speaking of my mother…she did a great job raising us.  My dad died at the age of 34, leaving my mom  with a 7 year old, a 3 year old (ME) and a 15 month old.  We all turned out okay. No incarcerations.  No drug or alcohol addictions.  We are all pretty normal, well sort of.

I always felt like the black sheep of the family. 

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“Everything else you grow out of, but you never recover from childhood”

~Beryl Bainbridge

I’ve been thinking alot about my childhood lately.  This usually happens about once a year when my birthday is quickly approaching.  Plus, this year I will be spending my birthday in New York City.  Technically, the trip was planned around a concert, not really my birthday.  Yep.  The concert.  Another “blast from the past”.  New Kids on the Block.  NKOTB (now that they are in their late 30s and 40s).  Those were the days. I must have been around 15 or 16 when the obsession started.  I was their #1 FAN!  Posters covering every inch of my walls, literally.  Writing hundreds and hundreds of pen pals with the same obsession.  Spending all of my earnings from my job at McDonalds on TeenBeat and BOP magazines (do these even exist now?).  Buying concert tickets.  (In the late 80s and 90s I think I went to at least 8).  Falling in ‘love’ with Jordan Knight, staking my claim on him, forbiding my older sister to ‘like’ him, demanding she pick one of the other boy band members.  Just so you know, she picked Jordan’s older brother, Jon, who recently stepped out of the closet.  Just Sayin’.  So, anyway, I guess the upcoming concert and my fast approaching 36th birthday got me thinking ’bout ol’ times.

Are there things you vividly remember about your childhood?  I swear, I remember more from my childhood than I can recall from last week.  No kidding.  My cool toys, special Christmas gifts, popular songs and when I first heard them, good times, the bad times, the goofy clothes my mom made me wear, mostly because I was too fat to wear regular clothes, and the stupid, yet down right hilarious pranks things I did growing up.

I’m thinking it might be fun to blog about some of the stuff from my childhood.  Occasionally my stories will surface when certain topics come up in conversations.  Everyone usually breaks out into gut-busting laughter, probably doubting the validity of my stories.  Me, I know they are actual events from my real life.  Most people tell me I should write all this down so I can write a book.  What?  First of all, I will never forget.  Second, who has time to write a book?

Okay, so pull up a chair because over the next few weeks you’ll get to experience tiny bits from my childhood.  It may help explain why I am who I am today!

Tune in next time for…MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME